Loneliness..

[Lionblade]

A friend close to me wanted me to write my thoughts on the feeling of loneliness. I want to share my thoughts on this issue because it can be a weight on anyone's heart… It was my own personal demon for many years and even now I battle with it at times. I'll give my thoughts on how I viewed it in the past... and how I view it now.

Before:
I used to think that loneliness was the hardest thing for me. That it was the keystone for the problems in my life. I thought being alone was the worst thing in the world and I was in a hell of my own creation because of it. I let the loneliness poison my heart. I was constantly depressed and hurting because I believed to my very core in one belief: I was afraid to be alone. I was afraid of dieing alone. And because of that fear, I let loneliness consume me. Let it break me time after time until all before me was dark and gray. My life had become, what I felt was hell. I was foolish and not understanding the meaning of the word. Don't get me wrong, other things contributed to my depression. But loneliness was the catalyst, the fuel to the fire. I was a fool, I was ignorant.

Now:
I see loneliness now as a dormant demon. Held at bay by the will of my heart, the fortitude of my spirit. Along my path, I rose above the control it had over me. Don't get me wrong, I'm human. But I changed my way of life and in turn conquered my demons at that time in my life. Now, loneliness will come to me from time to time. And I admit, I get bummed out. But the difference between who I was then and who I was now is that I do not let loneliness break me. I no longer live my life centered on the thought of needing someone to move forward. Therefore, I know that when tomorrow comes: I may be alone, I may walk alone, but I will be alive. And to me.. that is more important. My life has a purpose I can not easily abandon. I wont stray from the issue and talk about my personal life. But what I am trying to state is that loneliness, although hurtful and haunting, can not destroy you without your help.

What I Did Exactly:
I changed my way of life. I got to a point where I knew that if I kept that way of life: Believing that if I didn't have someone beside me would lead to my fear of dieing alone; that I would succumb into the depression and let it destroy me. I changed my way of living. I live now for my friends and family which I'm sure you've heard me say before. What that means to this issue, is that now, as long as I am doing everything I can for them; it gives me the strength to keep my loneliness and depression in check. That if loneliness and depression at times are the price to pay for doing what I can for those I love then I pay it gladly. I have a confession: I am diagnosed with having a high level of depression. I do not show it, nor do I speak with others about it. The reason I brought that up is because I feel the reason I am able to battle against loneliness without medication or therapy is because they are my motivation, my reason, my antidote. The difference between paycheck and bed check. Do you see what I am trying to explain? By finding something worthwhile to live for... it makes us stronger.

What This Means To You:
This could be your answer. Or this could mean nothing at all. Everyone is different. This is what worked for me. And it’s not perfect. I still feel that loneliness from time to time. I still feel that pain in my heart at times... But what I have now... is better then what I had then.

Final Thoughts:
You’re not alone. I'm on the same path as you, just a few steps ahead. There are people that care for you right outside your door. Find your own purpose to keep moving. Find your own reason to trudge on against the night. Loneliness is not fatal... but it will consume us if we let it. The darkness does not have hold, not over you, not over me. We create our own lives. We have the power to change them. Not some divine or demonic power. Not someone we love. Not anyone. Our lives are what we make it. Take care.